We are confronting perfectionism in society now more than ever. Whether it is appearance, our work performance, athletic achievement, creative expression or having just the right vacation, perfectionism is taking on many different forms.
Tennis great Naomi Osaka captured global attention by temporarily stepping away from her competition to regain her mental health as her drive for perfection was taking too great a toll. “The Substance,” the story of a woman who uses a product promising physical perfection, only to suffer horrific consequences chasing unrealistic beauty ideals, was a 2025 Oscar-winning film. And Kris Jenner, a self-proclaimed “perfectionist,” is recovering from extensive plastic surgery which has once again transformed her appearance.
Pursuing excellence and achievement can be healthy and meaningful when in the right doses and places. But when does it cross the line and become too much? Problems arise when the focus detracts from other aspects of one’s life, mistakes are intolerable, standards are unrealistically high, or there is an excessive dependence on approval, praise, or recognition from others. Some may get trapped in the cycle of curating the perfect image and obsessively seek “likes” on social media, hoping that external recognition will boost their self-esteem. When validation is received, it brings a temporary high, removing the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that may have been lurking and fueling the perfectionism. Athletes who haven’t gained their internal confidence may obsessively hunt the next win to validate their sense of themselves.
Social comparison is rampant due to social media, especially among adolescents searching for identity and acceptance during this crucial developmental period. Adolescents are appropriately asking themselves, “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” They may compromise their authentic selves, instead displaying what they feel will make them popular and hiding qualities they perceive as flaws. It has been well documented that increased social media use correlates with higher levels of anxiety and depression and lower levels of self-esteem and empathy.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Stephanie Lechich, “Unhealthy perfectionism and an over-reliance on external validation are central features of a collective narcissism that has been growing in the context of extreme usage of social media. Developing an acceptance of mistakes and imperfections fosters more stable self-worth, greater emotional resilience, and better relationships.”
This obsession with flawlessness can also restrict creativity and risk-taking. It can foster avoidance and procrastination or perpetuate rigid and distorted beliefs or behaviors characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. In relationships, the effort to conceal imperfections blocks authentic connection.
Thankfully, overcoming unhealthy perfectionism and achieving more stable self-worth is possible. With time and practice, we can build a healthy sense of ourselves that relies more on internal validation and frees us from these dangerous and misleading comparisons.
Here are 10 steps to take:
1. Identify the problem: Recognizing that you are suffering from perfectionism is an important first step. What areas of your life is this trait showing up in? What is it blocking you from experiencing? Are you willing to take steps to try to overcome it?
2. Be compassionate with yourself: Perfectionism is an easy pothole to stumble into. Developing self-awareness, self-kindness and eventually self-love will assist you.
3. Embrace imperfection: Welcome the idea that imperfection is human. Speak to yourself kindly, especially during setbacks when the urge might arise to chastise yourself. Love yourself for your strengths and weaknesses. We all have many.
4. Set realistic goals: Instead of aiming for perfect outcomes, focus on achievable and meaningful objectives. Break large tasks into manageable steps and celebrate small victories along the way. This reduces feelings of being overwhelmed and helps build confidence.
5. Challenge distorted thoughts: Become aware of all-or-nothing thinking (“If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure”) and catastrophizing (“If I mess up once, everything is ruined”). When these thoughts arise, question their validity. Ask yourself if your standards are realistic or if you’re setting yourself up for unnecessary stress. Often, reframing these thoughts to recognize effort and growth can help foster a healthier mindset. Use techniques of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and substitute negative self-talk with positive thinking: “I learned a lot from this experience which will give me an opportunity to do better in the future.”
6. Embrace failure as a learning opportunity: Shift your perspective to see mistakes not as signs of inadequacy but as inevitable and valuable parts of growth. Remember, no one is perfect; every successful person has faced setbacks. When failure occurs, ask yourself, what lessons can be learned? And how you can use those experiences to improve? Strive to be your own best friend, not your harshest critic during challenging times. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend and offer comfort and guidance and forgo harsh criticism. Remember the words of the famous football coach Vince Lombardi, “It is not how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.”
7. Limit social comparison: Reduce exposure to social media platforms if you find it triggers your perfectionist urges. Focus instead on your personal journey. What are your unique strengths and accomplishments? What are the areas you can look forward to growing into?
8. Stay in the moment: Engage in mindfulness exercises to reduce anxiety. Meditation and deep breathing soothe our nervous system. Try to stay present and observe your thoughts without judgment. This practice can help you recognize perfectionistic tendencies as they arise so you can choose more compassionate internal responses.
9. Develop internal validation: Work on affirming your worth internally rather than relying on others’ approval both in times of challenge and success. Focus on how you feel about yourself and your efforts. As we develop our internal compass, we free ourselves from the need for external validation.
10. Seek professional support: If perfectionism causes significant distress or interferes with daily life or your relationships, consider consulting a mental health professional. Therapy can help identify underlying beliefs and develop strategies to foster a more balanced outlook. In particular cases, medication may be indicated to help you overcome perfectionistic tendencies if they are significantly disturbing your life.
I hope these tips help you embark on a journey to greater self-love and self-acceptance. This work will pay dividends. As I love to hear in my yoga class, “progress, not perfection.” Savor the journey, not the destination.
